Saturday, December 10, 2011

Santa's Secret List Exposed!

 Santa, the original global-mobile app,
Wakes from his analog winter’s nap,
And taking up pen and real paper too,
Composes his List, just like me and you.

A DVD of It’s A Wonderful Life for Angela Merkel.

A half-dozen pair Tiffany sterling-silver handcuffs for MF Global & “Friends.”

Talbot’s Gift Card for Lady Gaga.

Coal for the ones who thought up Black Friday, Greek Bonds, and offshore call-centers.

Six ounces of pure-gold for the inventor of EZ Pass.

A Kim Kardashian avatar for every NBA player.

A vintage toy-Edsel for the founders of Groupon.

Coal for the ones who scheduled a World Series game in November, hyped Irene everywhere except where she actually caused devastation, and turned the Sports page into the Police Blotter.

A Che Guevera poster for Warren Buffet.

A biography of W.C. Fields for the Republican candidates.

435 original oil paintings of Shanghai’s Pudong district for members of Congress.

Coal for the ones who went into fracking after they closed their subprime mortgage agencies; turned Williamsburg, Brooklyn into the Museum of Temporary Art; and would not let the Texas Rangers register just one more strike.

One copy of the Autobiography of Andrew Cuomo for Governor Cuomo.

100 copies of the Cliff Notes version of Gibbon’s A History Of The Decline And Fall Of the Roman Empire for the US Senate.

Another mirror, with step-stool, for Mayor Mike.

Giants' Victory Parade
Coal for the ones who take with both hands and hire no one; who love and adore Steve Jobs now that he’s gone, but wouldn’t let the Steve Jobs-es of this world within ten miles of their own HQ’s; who created the 15 month long presidential campaign to enrich themselves and put everyone else to sleep.

A facelift from Bruce Jenner’s surgeon for the Red Sox, a new owner from Earth for the Dodgers, the World’s Dumbest Billionaire to help the Mets, and Tony Bennett singing I Left My You Know What You Know Where, while winding his way down Lombard Street in the 2012 Series victory parade.

*A new Rye bridge by that old restaurant, a happy 100th to Manursing Island Club, a clue about the Most Secret Playland Plan In The History Of The World, a contract renewal for the parking meters that never work.

Peter Drucker's Principles of Management for the guys at BlackBerry’s RIM, a copy of How To Win Friends And Influence People for Netflix’s CEO, a photo of Mao Swimming the Yangtse for Zuckerberg at Facebook.

*a) Several years ago, a flash-flood, resulting from a fierce storm knocked out a small bridge in Rye, NY; so far, all the king's horses and all the king's men have not been able to budge the Army Corps of Engineers to build diddly, b) Disclosure: the author is Chair of this fine club's Centennial Committee, c) Rye Playland & Beach are well known to generations of New Yorkers; the County administration called for proposals to develop this red-ink operation months ago, and nobody is talking, which is never good news, d) Rye's parking meters seldom work, the enforcement is nearly non-existent, so motorists are happy with the status quo of not paying.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Catalogue Madness!

This has already been an unusual autumn in the Northeast, with a pre-Halloweeen snowfall, an Indian Summer running all the way through Thanksgiving. Now December's here and I saw people playing tennis outdoors yesterday on Long Island (I swear) and today we are covered in a London or, perhaps more appropriately, since it's 60'F a San Francisco-type fog.

Is it any wonder that along with all the regular Christmas/Holiday catalogues, we've been getting some very peculiar ones? Here's just a sampling of what's new and odd:

Potty Barn: Yup. We also thought this was a printer's mistake; however, just one look inside will tell you it's a whole new idea. We never knew that there were so many ways to do you know, and these "vessels" come in so many colors. And, yes, this covers in-house and great-grandma's old standby, outhouse. Since this is a family blog, sort of, we will spare you the details here. Make sure you see the special "green" section, if you dare.

LL Been: Ever wonder what happens to the generations worth of really old stuff in the attic and cellar ordered from the original LL Bean catalogue? We're talking somewhat used, very used, and still in the box. Curious about what people do with all those fuzzy slippers, flannel-lined bikinis, and ice-tennis racquet sets bought when they visited little Miranda or Boscoe at camps near Freeport ME? Wonder no more; someone collected it all and is selling it back to us. Only in America.

J.Crudite': Now you can get at your raw veggies in ways you never thought possible. Want them in the shape of a fish, horse, sheep, triangles, circles, Newt Gingrich's profile? Get them here. Ever thought you'd be tempted to try turnip ceviche? Well, turnips are the new black as far as raw veg is concerned. You won't have to cut up your own anymore; just order from these guys. Did someone say dip? Oh yeah, this is the Big Dipper of dip emporia: hummus from all those places you needed a zillion shots and 3-page visas to visit. By Mail!

Lucky Genes: Well, not exactly lucky. These clever guys are talking about choosing "your" child's gene pool and being able to have your him/her/it bypass those nasty pre-K Mandarin or cello lessons. They claim to eliminate all the guessing about your child's talents, tendencies, and, the one you really care about, earning power. They mention Einstein, Jobs, Marilyn Monroe, one recent and one possible President (libel laws prevent us from naming them). Choose famous genes from the Arts, Politics, Business, Hedge-funders. Gives a whole new meaning to "Get Lucky."

Irene's Basement: While Greece, Italy, Portugal, etc. go down the tubes, Americans are busy making lemonade from lemons, People. The East Coast storm of the century (so far) rumbled up the coast with winds so strong and rains so wet that the 4,000 Weather Channel reporters on camera had to actually put up their hoods or get their hair mussed! Whatever this storm washed away, someone claimed it, dried it (mostly), and branded it. Now you can re-re-claim it at great prices.

Victor's Secret: We can only say that this would have been much better kept secret, especially since our mail now gets left out by the curb.