Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Curated Sausage, And Other Pet Peeves

Levi's Super Skinnies
Here's the Skinny: I knew skinny and you're not skinny. You're just way too tight! Gentlemen of a certain age, AKA RareBurghers (and Ladies who buy for the gentlemen), have you tried to purchase a pair of trousers or jeans lately? Whether it's online or in-store, the whole pant world has gone skinny/slim. Have Levi's/Dockers, J.Crew/Ludlow, and even Vineyard Vines given up on the Boomer Body. Apparently, yes.

J.Crew: Seems to have totally abandoned us by establishing its Ludlow brand for suits and pants at the center of its men's line. If you're a 42/43R-36/38W, there is nothing for you, even if you try to make a 46R work. Already cut out the starch, the dairy and the fat, did you? Hah! You will never get there. These clothes are not made for aged, settling bodies. They are made for...skinny boys.

Levi's: RareBurghers used to be able to walk into the Levi's shop on Broadway in Soho and choose 36/30 or 38/30 jeans in a variety of styles, button or zip fly. Now we're at risk of a serious a muscle pull in the dressing room just trying to get these things on. Walls and walls of Skinny and Slim jeans and even the "regular" fit is a challenge in our "regular" sizes.

No self-respecting RareBurgher would ever want to wear those "relaxed-fit" pre-faded things your cable guy got through Lands End. Ugh. We want to wear dressier dark washes. Is it a sin to not have Mick Jagger's body and still want to have style? No!

Vineyard Vines: I had my eyes on their island red (okay, pretty much pink, off-island) cord jeans for a while. The rise on these jeans is like that first soufflé you may have tried to make: not much of a rise. Wear these with a pair of boxers? Yeeoooww! You've got to go up a full size, then the waist is way too big, and you're wearing...relaxed fit again.

The world of the "pant," as St. Ralph of The Bronx pretentiously began calling it/them, has really put the skin in "skinny;"  buying a pair of "pant" is now like buying another layer of skin. And there's very little room for us in there.

Cured, not curated
Curated Sausage: It used to be that the term "curator" referred to someone who worked in a museum with paintings, sculptures, or creative events. Not so anymore. Every weekend in the Times's Styles section, its T magazine, WSJ's Off Duty and own eponymous mag we read about curators in bakeries in Brooklyn, at sausage boutiques in Tribeca, and in the windows of pop-up clothing shops everywhere.

I like my sausage cured not curated. Please!

We seem to have as many curators as there are artists, and all of them seem to be living pretty high on the old capitalist hog in pricey neighborhoods and wearing bespoke clothing. How do they do that? Curators used to be like private school teachers, content or resigned to that walk-up on the upper West Side, that rent controlled beauty in the Village. In return, they got to work in a great space, hang around some cool people, many of them wealthy, some of whom were even artists.

Not to be stuffy and old-fashioned, but many of these new-age curators with expansive sites on Pinterest, appear to really be "stylists." Perhaps the world cannot use so many stylists, but, so what, if that's your ambition, go for it. There's merit in that. But, let's keep the curators, not so much in the museums (that would be stuffy), but in limited supply. Let's also keep a very high standard for curators, since that is one way to keep a very high standard for artists.

High standards in art? Yes, so bourgeois. Curate that.

...why are we all of a sudden freezing inside grocery stores? And not just in the freezer aisles. In my local Stop & Shop, customers have taken to wearing down parkas and wool capes. And that's in the summer. Wholly Groceries! Can we turn the thermostat up a few notches, please.
...I was trying to watch some commercials last night on ESPN and they kept breaking-in with 30 second or even full minute scenes from the Giants-Redskins NFL game. Really annoying. It's damn hard to stay focused on how best to help out the morbid economy with all of those interruptions.
...Let's end on a high note. Kudos to Starbucks for having the courage to continue offering its seasonal Christmas Blend. With so many Holiday This-es and Holiday Thats, it's so nice to see a business stick to its beans. Buy some!

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