Saturday, June 2, 2012

More Rules: Inspired By Mayor Bloomie!

Croton Reservoir
New York City Mayor Bloomberg has come up with a controversial idea to disallow sale of any sugary drink in containers larger than 16 ounces. Initial reaction indicates that he has about as much chance getting this through as Governor Cuomo has of putting up a new convention center at Aqueduct and making gambling casinos the dead-end job engine of the state.

We'd like to take this opportunity to propose some of our own ideas:
1. Implement a minimum walking speed for tourists in Manhattan, so that residents do not have to slowdown or waste time dodging visitors, especially "strolling" Europeans. Don't they know they have a crisis on their hands? Time to wake up! Violators removed to the subways.

2. Temperatures in city grocery stores have plummeted so far, so fast, that patrons have begun wearing parkas to shop or leaving a heavy sweater in their re-usable grocery bags. Trying to buy milk or yogurt may result in frostbite. Summonses for violators. Bring back moderate grocery temps.

3. Far too much "conventional" produce and packaged goods at Manhattan Whole Foods shops. What's the point of the Whole Foods thing, if you have the same stuff as the other guys. Unhealthy. Stop already with this. Immediate confiscation of all conventionals.

4. Institue penalties for waiters asking New Yorkers "if they prefer bottled or tap water." Hello! Just because all of these wait-people migrated here from the midwest and other remote areas of the country, doesn't mean they have to treat locals like idiots. Everyone knows we have great tap water, so stop asking. Big summons for this offense.
5.Make it a law that mayors have to take a salary paid by citizen taxpayers. Even certain wealthy mayors, possibly even billionaires, maybe especially even billionaire mayors should have to take a paycheck. If they want to donate the whole thing, fine. But, citizens deserve the right to say that the mayor works for them, not for just himself. They should not be allowed to refuse the salary or to take something really insulting like $1. Fine for refusing to pass Go and take salary: $500,000 a month.
6. Regulate hot dog prices at Yankee Stadium and CitiField. A hot dog should cost no more than twice the the highest cost on the street, or $4. Tops. Also, give summonses to busybodies who try to tell hot dog customers that hot dogs are not good them. Hot dogs, at a price that does not insult real New Yorkers, are good for the soul. Some might go so far as to say that they, along with bagels and a slice of pizza are the soul of New York, not "Poland Spring or gelato!"

7. Remove all containers of juice that are not pure cranberry from the shelves! Finding just plain cranberry juice is nearly impossible to do in less than 45 minutes, because there are so many ridiculous flavors: strawberry-cran, apple-cran, grape cran, diet-grape cran. Cram those crans! We're all going blind trying to find the real thing. Make a rule to provide a whole aisle in every store with just plain old cranberry juice. No silly flavors!
This is a good start.

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