Monday, May 14, 2012

Please Blotter

  • May 7, New York City: JP Morgan not so chaste. Uncharacteristically contrite bank-CEO caller reported loss of over $2Billion, when his perp-trader "Whale" inadvertently turned pretty bad European financial hedge mess into major non-larcenogenic, but embarrassing fiasco. Officer Volcker had warned perp of possible trouble far in advance of loss. Drowsy regulators, helium-filled pundits, holier-than-thou Senators ambulance-chased bank investment team. Rare female investment exec found to blame, cuffed, fired, severanced, will start new hedge fund with offending bank's funding and blessing. Please.
  • May 8, North Carolina: Please Don't Pleas Me, Oh Yeah! Judge directed stunned election-fraud jury to ignore defense attorney's attempts to use both defense and prosecution witness testimony as proof that former serious Presidential candidate defendant's greed, promiscuity, recklessness, and unfathomable stupidity were grounds for changing "not guilty" plea to one of "Guilt by Invanity," a type of insanity brought on by uncontrollable and incalculable vanity. Judge admonished jury that,"just because the defendant is apparently the stupidest, vainest person in a trial full of stupid, vain, greedy witnesses, does't mean he is actually insane, I mean, invain."
  • May 10, New York City: Welcome to our neighbor-hoodie. Officers detained young man attempting to wear a hoodie during series of otherwise serious Wall Street "road shows" regarding IPO of Silicon Valley online "friending" scheme. Pin-striped, Hermes-tied bankers reported young man as possible "Occupy Wall Street" intruder. Released on own recognizance when found to be CEO-Founder of IPO company. Reporting bankers get no shares, will remain friends of billionaire offender. No photo of alleged offender available.
  • April 16, New York City: Dewey defeats true men? Hundreds of callers, claiming to be law firm's smaller clients and pensioners reported fraudulent activity on a massive scale at midtown NYC law firm, Dewey & LeBoeuf. Certain partners reportedly arranged to pay themselves guaranteed fees far in excess of all previously known reprehensible partner fees. Upon further investigation, officers found partners were fleeing the crime scene faster the John Edwards can find a mirror. Administrative staff, retirees left with little or nothing (all perfectly legal); former partners signed new lucrative deals with new firms, denied all legal or financial responsibility for losses. Biggest clients followed partners to new firms. Officers on scene found nothing left, partners stole all supplies, Keurig machines, blank billing statements. 
  • Mug/JPMorgan
  • May 1, Cradle of Democracy: Officers called to scene, corner of Athens and Acropolis. Found hysterical crowd claiming "Merkel" had swindled, beaten and left them naked and penniless in the road. Citizens loudly calling for additional government employment, tax holidays, increased vacation time with pay, moussaka in every pot, boycott of German goods, since "Merkel" reportedly German who stiffed most if not all citizens, described as "looking always like she just swallowed a lemon." Pass the ouzo, please.

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