Sunday, June 5, 2011

Dear Ms Andress

Dear Ms. Andress,

Honey Ryder Rising
My client, an American who wishes to remain anonymous, recently attended a dinner at which the diners played a rather fun game. Each was asked to name the one person, any person, either a contemporary or from the distant past, with whom they would most like to, shall we say, "spend some time." The time spent, of course, need not be of an intimate nature; however, in all honesty, my client wishes to be clear that there was certainly a suggestion of  intimacy in this game.

So that there will be no misunderstanding in this matter, my client freely admits that he had no hesitation whatsoever in naming you his choice. To further clarify, he actually named a fictional-you, in character as Honey Ryder in the film Dr. No. As you well know, this was the the first of the many successful films in the James Bond series. As my client put it so succinctly that night in announcing his choice, "She put they yes, yes, yes, in Dr. No, No, No."

I hope that you'll agree that this was rather more than clever, and, speaking as a fan myself, an accurate description of your impact on 14 yr.-old boys such as my client was at the time of seeing the film.

My client sat in amazement that same night, as his male friends named others like Katherine Ross, Marlene Dietrich, Bridget Bardot, Jane Fonda, and Sophia Loren among other candidates. Surely, they could not have been serious, he thought. Where were they in 1962, when you were changing the course of his life with what he and the rest of the world took to be your Swedish accent. How were we to know that you were actually Swiss and that this voice was dubbed!

No matter. He knows exactly where he was: a small movie theatre in Westhampton Beach, Long Island, NY. Thereafter, he became much more interested in literature, devouring all of the great works of Mr., later Sir Ian Fleming, who owed you a great debt, as he did to your fellow actor, Mr., later Sir Sean Connery for helping people to forget that Fleming was, in all fairness, a pretty terrible writer.

But, you may ask, why am I writing to you?

I am writing to you, because my client, having made his choice so clearly and quickly that night, and, later, having had a chance to more thoroughly review his choice, must tell you at this time that he believes he made an innocent error. He assures you that he still holds you, in a matter of speaking of course, in the highest regard, or, to be more accurate, holds the Honey-You in the highest regard; however, he must renounce his choice at this time.

In taking this action, he also feels that you deserve to know about your replacement, and, while this might be only a very small consolation to you, it will make him feel just a little bit less than a cad and a little more like a gentleman for taking this action and telling you the truth.

He hereby names Ms. Charlotte Rampling, the fine British actress, as his choice

Charlotte Rampling? Charlotte Rampling of the skin and bones physique, with the English girls' school (St. Hilda's) "come hither" tease-look, who later in life couldn't get her clothes off fast enough in a series of French B films. That Charlotte Rampling!

Well, yes, the very one. My client wishes to explain that what many saw as teasing he took to be a demur quality, a look of being slightly stricken, concealing a deeper more complicated and passionate self.

While you also have a similar quality, Ms. Rampling has the aded quality of using her own very posh and  plummy voice in movies and on TV. As already stated above, my client realizes now that he does not even know what your own voice sounds like, since he has been admiring an impostor's voice all these years.

In closing, my client wishes you well and hopes that you will understand his decision and not hold it against him. Also, he fervently hopes that you will not seek damages, in which case he will be as ruthless as Dr. No and  Goldfinger combined.



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